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Me: How can I help you?

Caller: Actually Ben, you called me and while the reminder for the tournament coming up this weekend is helpful because it had almost slipped my mind, let me tell you something about your little recording.

[ Cue me hitting my mute button so that she couldn't hear the sound of munching on Cheez-its. Oh, and for the record NO ONE has ever complained about the size of MY recording ]

Caller: Well first it tells you that it is reminding you about the upcomming tournament coming up this weekend that you've been invited to because you are one of Harrah's Valued Diamond Card players, like I am, and that's all fine and it says to press 9 to speak to a representative to book this event.

Me: [Chew Chew, mmmm cheez-its are delicious]

Caller: so I pressed 9 and then, now, here is the problem Ben

[She pauses as if I am going to say "Oh yes yes thank you for directing my attention to the problem at hand, I was so caught up in that almost Shakespearean introduction that I had all but forgotten how you were just now getting to the point of your malarky-laden bitchfest. After a few seconds of no noticeable response from me, she continued.]

Caller: It connects you with the normal 800 number that asks you what property you want. It never works, I said Tunica and it said East Chicago and then it said that it was sorry that it didn't understand that property name that I was speaking and I had to PUSH TWO buttons to finally get connected to the Tunica line and once I get there I have to sit on hold for another twelve minutes [Hold time was two minutes forty seconds when she came through on my line] listening to some music and it kept telling me to keep holding before I ever talked to a single person.

Me: [Was the problem that you had a dick in your mouth when you were saying Tunica? Cause you must suck a lot of dick to get away with spending all your husband's money at the casino.] [Yes I kept my commentary to myself]

Caller: I mean I had to push all these buttons and then it starts telling me about restaurants and telling me to have my offer code ready before I ever get to anyone at all and this is just very inconvenient.

Me: Well I'm sorry that you had problems getting to the reservation line.

Caller: I mean seriously, you called me for the upcomming tournament coming up this weekend, and first it tells you that it is reminding you about the upcomming tournament coming up this weekend that you've been invited to and it says to press 9 ...

[yes she is repeating herself nearly word for word, which prompted the following interruption]

Me: Ma'am? Do you want to attend that tournament that you were INVITED to or not?

Caller: Yes I do Ben, and thank you so much for caring about my problem. You know I didn't appreciate having to hold for all this time.

Me: Hey I'm sorry that we're busy, if you want to go to the tournament, I'll book it. If you want to complain about the invitation system, I'll get you to a host who might actually have something to do with that arrangement.

Caller: I'll book the tournament.

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Note to bitchy people:

Complaining aimlessly to the wrong person gets you nowhere fast. If you don't like sitting on hold HANG THE FUCK UP, no one will miss your call. If whatever you need to do is so damned important that its worth holding for four or five minutes, then do it and SHUT UP. Oh, and actually time how long you are on hold. 30 seconds of hold time feels like 10 minutes. And here's a tip: DONT CALL BETWEEN 3 AND 5 WHEN YOU GET OFF WORK. EVERYONE ELSE JUST GOT OFF WORK TOO.